she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I believe in your delicious
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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