alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
