I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
