yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Pooping to opera.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
