i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
