We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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