So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
