If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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