Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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