remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
