woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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