Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
