are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
