and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Is it penis luge time yet?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Randomize
