tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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