Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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