and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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