Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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