I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
