Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
