he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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