Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
