I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
