She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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