I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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