sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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