I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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