My liver just broke up with me...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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