im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
