last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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