so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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