please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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