my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
