Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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