my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
