Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
