Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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