I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
