I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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