i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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