I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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