saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
