New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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