Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
