someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
