I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
this boner is exhausting
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
