70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We're too hungover to prance.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
