he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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