Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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