If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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