this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
