Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
